NDE – stands for near death experience. We’ve all heard about them, when you sort of die but don’t and then come back…..
On Thanksgiving morning, Oct. 10th this year, I was struggling with myself. As I often do, I decided to listen to one of those inspirational spiritual teachers. This time it was Dolores Cannon. She specializes in hypnotherapy and past life work. Many of her clients have shared their near death experiences with her. On Thanksgiving morning I listened to a talk she had given about these experiences. Suddenly I realized I had one of those experiences when I was around 2 years old!
I was sexually abused by my father from around 2 until my mid teens or so. My memories of this started returning 10 years ago when I was 48. Through the ensuing years I have been getting more and more bits and pieces. Some of these fragments are actually from the spirit world, which is where I would hang out. When humans are in a living nightmare, we disassociate, which is how we survive, and we also can develop amnesia.
So there I am, my spirit self, hanging out with my guides, angels…..and I am really really angry. I am stamping my foot and saying, “That’s it, I’m done with this human journey and I’m not going back to my body”! Whatever spirit beings were with me said, “Yes, we hear you and of course you have a choice, but you did sign up for this and there is purpose to your life here, you do have work to do”. Then I reluctantly agreed to do my duty….but I was mad about it.
I have been telling this story for some years now in a funny way, but this Thanksgiving morning was different. This is now not a funny story but, for me heart breaking. I now remember I so badly wanted to die and I could feel and see the light and I so badly wanted to go there, such aching longing in my body….. but then my guides stopped me. Of course I was allowed to go on, but then I would not be completing my mission for this life. I hated them for stopping me but I knew they were right….and then I hated myself for forcing myself to turn around. It felt like an impossible position, either way I would be miserable. If I did die then I would not have done what I was here to do and after all, before I was born, I had agreed to this life with the difficulties. We are so idealistic when we’re in spirit form, however, as so often happens, when reality hits we want to change our mind…. !
Now it is 2 1/2 weeks after my ‘remembering’. It’s a lot to integrate but in some ways life has been easier and my life makes more sense to me, I don’t feel like such a “crazy person”! I am less scared of dying, I feel more connected to the spirit world and I am not taking this life so seriously, and I have more compassion for myself. My whole life I have been stuck in my dilemma of being obedient to the script my higher self set up, but my human self has been resistant and angry. Underneath my anger has been deep deep heart break and longing, and endless searching for the light….and looking in all the wrong places…anything to take away my raw aching, desperately looking for relief.
From a human perspective, the human journey doesn’t make sense, in fact it can feel like a lot of senseless cruelty. However, from the spirit side, there is a method to the madness…..and.. I am not done feeling sad and mad!